2.11

Nothing of note has been happening lately, so I would rather not bore you with the minutiae of urban life. Instead, for your enjoyment, a few pictures of my niece from last Saturday. She really loves her bubble machine!

Bubbles, you say?



Come on, turn that thing on!


Bubbles!




Conducting her very own bubble symphony

1-25

After the hell that was 2008, I swore 2009 would be better. And so far, I have no complaints.

The weekend before the big inauguration, I flew to Tennessee to spend the weekend with my Bitches. We met years and years ago through a message board on a website (and NO it wasn't match.com), ventured out on our own when said message board became ridiculous, and we've been lowering our productivity at work ever since. This was the first official get together, and we had a blast. Hanging out in person is so much better than a message board!

The bike is dead. It will be disassembled shortly and stored for....well, I really don't know yet. Maybe one of these days i'll restore the damn thing, or maybe i'll get tired of looking at the big box it will be in and sell the parts. I'm just not ready to let go yet. We had a good run.

Last Tuesday marked the one year anniversary of my mom being diagnosed with cancer. Most people remember birthdays, death days, anniversaries- and I remember sitting in a hospital while mom had surgery to remove the tumor, waiting for the doctor to tell me she'd be fine. Of course she didn't, and the rest is history, but that day is burned into my mind in a way I never thought it would be. I can't remember the day she died, but I remember this. I remember because it changed my life. That day was the first day of the hideous roller coaster ride that would become synonymous with the year 2008. That day was complete, utter shit.

I found our unfinished passport applications on the bookshelf today, squeezed between two old textbooks and forgotten. It was February of last year when I picked those up- determined that I was going to find a way to take mom back to Italy before she died. Looking back, I realize how naive that was- thinking that I had any control, any say in the matter- that she was clearly getting worse and would not get any better, let alone well enough to travel overseas. It still makes me sad that I never got to take her back there, but I find it a happy coincidence that her previous five years had taken her to Europe twice.

I'll be 28 tomorrow, and I wish like hell she were here to see that. Not that there is anything remarkable about 28, or any age for that matter, but just because the void is incredible.

Baking adventures

For Emmalee's first birthday, I agreed to make the cake, as the last cake my sister made turned out...well, just wrong. Of course, I can't just make a normal cake, noooo, that would be too easy. I wanted to make giant cupcakes.

First came the mountain of frosting. There is enough butter, sugar and egg whites in this bowl to supply the entire population of Luxemborg for approximately five years.

From Emmalee's first birthday

Half of that ended up in my freezer. For, ya know, the next time I decide to make a cake.

It took an entire day to get the giant cupcakes made, as they take forever and I thought for sure the mixer was going to die from exhaustion. But here they are...





And of course, we had to have one for the birthday girl...



It was fun, and man- that pan was an investment. Giant cupcakes for everyone's birthday for the next ten years!

Workin' for the weekend

Last weekend, my dad needed some help with a job he couldn't run by himself, so Tim, the dogs and I went up to the boonies to provide some assistance.

This...

 

Plus this...

 

Equals this.

 

Fun times!

Cooper had a blast, as Maggie decided to come home for the weekend when she realized he was there. Apparently, she's run away from home and is involved in a love affair with the neighbor's dog. I thought dogs were supposed to be loyal?

Molly wasn't allowed to run with the big dogs, on account of her size. She did get to hassle the cat and play with a toy twice her size, though, so I think she was okay with that.


For those of you who aren't familiar with the area where my dad lives, it pretty much looks like this:

 

I don't miss living there at all, but I do miss the wonderful "Simpsons Clouds" that glide by every afternoon.

Monster!

My darling little monster of a niece came by today and spent a few hours with me. Her mama is whisking her away to Eskimo country for the next week, so it was nice to spend some time with the little booger.

She's a little uh, camera shy. She's burst out crying every single time I have ever pulled the camera out to take her picture. This has been the case since the day she was born. Diana, I don't know how you do it. Because seriously? It was as if I were poking her eyeballs out with a rusty butter knife. My camera= extreme pain, apparently. And here I thought Nikon was a good brand.

I guess today was a good day because I got three before she realized what I was doing.



Mmm...tasty block.



Hey, wait a minute...



I know what that is!

7.27

A week ago tonight, my mother left us.

It's hard to talk about and even harder to write. Despite knowing that it would happen, nothing can quite prepare you for the incredible sense of disorientation that occurs when a hole of epic proportions is ripped into your heart.

I am not quite sure what to do now, but that doesn't make me lost. Bearing witness to the entire process of my mother's illness and death has given me a new perspective, but I suspect it will take time to filter out the bitter and painful parts to render it useful.

Poring over cookbooks over the phone, discussing recipes.
Sitting in the kitchen, drinking wine and laughing.
The goofy opera singing in the car.
Knowing that I always had a shoulder to cry on or my biggest cheerleader.

I miss these things, I miss everything. I miss the way life used to be. I miss her.

7.20

In times of hardship, we always discover who our real friends and family are.

It isn't always pleasant, but it sure is an eye-opener.

I'm learning that distance has nothing to do with friendship, and family is just a legal definition.

It's pretty disappointing, but i'd rather know than be misled.

Limbo

At times like this, I envy those who place their faith into organized religion and swallow the lie like hungry dogs. I envy their resolve, their steadfast belief that something bigger than they are is looking out for them and giving a shit about what they are dealing with. I envy the conviction with which they reinforce their notion of an afterlife and the possibility of reuniting with others post mortem. I envy them because I know that it would be so much simpler to believe the lie, to be comforted by the words they live by.

I usually have little more than disdain regarding religion, but today... today I wonder if it isn't so bad to be gullible.

Adventures in gastronomy

Ok, so there hasn't been much going on worth blogging about- I mean, I could tell you about homework assignments, or the embarrassing tally of hours spent watching Lost, but really- it would be about as exciting as poking your eyeball out with a spoon.

My dad lost a bet- what the bet was is unimportant- and had to join me for lunch at my favorite sushi joint for a little raw fish action. He was almost off the hook when the server informed us that they really didn't have much in the way of sushi, due to a failure of their refrigeration case. Whoops. They still had the makings for the sushi bento box, so he was a trooper and ordered the stuff anyway, even though I had given him an out.

Taking my dad out for meals is always an adventure. You never know what he's going to say, or how he's going to react to what is served. Some notable incidents include the "there's fish in my chicken sandwich" episode at The Paisley Violin, and the "wow, this is really disgusting- but I finished all of my food and some of yours" evening at the Vietnamese place in downtown Glendale. You just never can tell how it's going to be, so I was a little nervous about taking him to one of our favorite restaurants, and even more nervous about him eating something that we love so much, that he'd never had.

The verdict? The sashimi was "tasteless"- all three kinds- but good with ginger, and the California roll was spoiled by a less than ripe avocado. The tempura veggies were a hit- he even ate the prawns- and the assortment of pickled Asian veggies were pretty tasty.

He said he liked it. I about fell over from shock.

**

I got a wild hair up my ass last night and wanted to make pizza. It's too hot to turn on the oven though, so it had to be grilled. Tim thought I was nuts, because "Everything burns" on the grill, according to him.

A careful eye on the meal and about 15 minutes later, we had pizza.


It isn't the prettiest thing in the world, but it was damn good. Much better than anything that comes out of our oven!

6-4

I am standing in the shower and the water runs over my face. It is nearly scalding hot, but I can't seem to get warm. On days like today, the only place I feel safe is under that scalding water. Days when the sound of sorrow creeps into my dad's voice and we acknowledge in silence what we can't bring ourselves to say. Days when I am certain that the countdown to the end of life as I know it has started, but that I have no idea how much time is left. Days when I can't seem to feel anything other than just sad.


I'd stay under that stream of hot water forever if I could.

5-31

Another week, another weekend. Ahh.

My uncle Joe celebrates his acquisition of a fancy schmancy hard earned Master's degree today. It's kind of a big deal because it's taken him a long time to get here, but he made it. Oh yeah, and he's blind. Karen seemed to think that this was a really big deal- because I don't know, maybe in her world people who can't see don't get educated. I don't see it as a big deal because he's one of the smartest people I know. He does everything that anyone else does, usually a little faster.

Ok, so he doesn't drive. You wouldn't want him to.

I remember when I was a kid, he would come over and ask to play my violin. I would give it to him, along with some basic instructions about how to hold it, where to put the bow and fingers, etc. It used to bother me that he did this, because I was afraid he would break it. Apparently my juvenile mind equated blindness with clumsiness. That couldn't have been further from the truth. In fact, it didn't take long before he had mastered the basic principles of violin playing that most third graders struggle with. I was impressed. He continues to impress me, even though his violin playing days have gone the same way mine have.

Congrats, Joe.

5-7

This is all over the place. Just a warning.

I had a lovely afternoon with my friend Dee, who hails from TN and has a fantastic little accent. An overpriced, mediocre lunch at the Phoenician (where she was staying), a sweaty hike up Camelback Mountain, and chocolate and espresso gelato at Arlecchino. Perfecto! (minus the lunch, if i'm being honest)

Never having been to the Phoenician before and only having seen it from the top of Camelback, I wondered- what exactly does one get for $400 a night besides a really neat pool and a bed? I found out today. $400 a night buys you real hand towels in the lobby bathrooms, with a little wicker basket to put them in after use. Oh, and a bird's eye view of the Red Hat society tea party. Hoo boy!

It seems as though the Man Flu has settled here again. May it pass quickly and silently.

Mom started radiation today. This will work. This will work. This will work. Come on, say it with me. At this point, that's all i've got.

She got a really random letter from this incredibly annoying former neighbor today. It blathered on about believing in God and everyone's limited number of days and all sorts of other depressing useless shit. Neighbor woman was always weird and oddly childish at inappropriate times, but the thing that got me was that the letter came at all. Mom's name was spelled wrong, the street name was spelled wrong, the city was spelled wrong, and the zip code was only remotely correct. (Hey, 3 out of 5 numbers isn't too bad- it would win you a buck or two in the lottery, I guess.) I know- lots of people can't spell. I shouldn't chide her for that, right? I'd agree with you, if she weren't a former school teacher. Seriously. The former 6th grade teacher couldn't spell the word Mesa. Good thing she doesn't teach anymore. Our schools are in trouble as it is.

In other news, a pleasant surprise came my way today- I have a week off between classes! This is great, because I thought they were back to back. A week is far too short, but i'll take it.

The Hard Lessons will be in town next Friday. Should be a great show!

Good god. Cary needs to get that dog a friend or give him Zoloft. Poor Brian.

Almost forgot- I have a question....

Why the fuck does the Olympic flame need to go to the top of Mount Everest?

Rollercoaster

It began innocently enough, with routine check-ups and nothing to worry about. Two weeks later, she was having emergency surgery. I really thought that would be the end of it- go home, heal, have a couple of apples and some vitamins.

Six weeks later, the MRI delivered bad news. More doctors, more tests, treatments planned. At least she got a couple of weeks at home this time.

Another six weeks goes by, culminating in a 3 am ER visit followed by another emergency surgery, a prosthetic bone, and more time in the hospital.

She's starting to lose her hope, I can hear it. She knows she isn't going to beat this. I know it too, and it breaks my heart a thousand times a day.

She said to me today that a trip needs to be planned- one last hurrah, if you will. She can't decide where she wants to go, because it's a big decision when it could be the last trip you ever take. She doesn't know when she will feel well enough to travel again, and I fear that she won't ever- that the last adventure she wants won't happen.

I'm applying for my passport anyway.

4-10

I am shit at posting, which is probably a good thing given all that's been going on lately.


Bad things:

Shitty sleep. Nightmares.
Mom's medical drama that just won't end
burnout
The unknown.

Good things:

Grass in the front yard= finished landscaping!
Good beer for cheap at Costco
Sushi at Hana.
Successful picnic event.
No more friends in the hospital.
New music.
New evap= nice cool summer with reasonable electric bills
Adorable smiles from the niece.
Week 11 of Accounting= almost over!!
Supportive and understanding male counterpart. Very good thing.

I guess I can't complain too much, because the good outweighs the bad at the moment. Weighted, it isn't by much, but i'll take it.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

that's all.

PSA for new parents

Congratulations on the birth of your spawn! You must be thrilled.

While your child is, naturally, the cutest, smartest little bugger ever born, eventually you will realize that baby talk and formula regurgitation do not make for interesting conversation topics. When this happens, you will want a night out to be an adult. Maybe even with cocktails!

Time to find a sitter for your little angel. Maybe you are lucky enough to have a family full of suckers, or maybe you have to pay someone to snoop through all of your drawers and finish that bag of M&Ms in the fridge. Either way, it is important to treat your sitters kindly or they may turn on you. Mutiny!

Your brain is, no doubt, fried from sleep deprivation and Baby Einstein videos. I understand. To make things easier for you, here are a few tips to keep your sitters, and you, happy:

Have a plan. When planning your return to the adult world, don't fly by the seat of your pants. Your sitter has a life too, and likely a bed time.

Be Considerate. If the sitter asks you not to stay out all night, don't do it. This is the fastest way to reduce the pool of potential sitters.

Do not assume. If you are fortunate enough not to have to shell out the bucks for your sitter, do not assume that they will be content to sit in your tiny living room all night while you stand, jaw gaping, (ooh! shiny!) at all of the things you had forgotten existed out there in the adult world. The dynamics change quite a bit when payment is involved, of course.

*ahem*

Anyway. Someone's grouchy this evening.

2-19

My grandfather got lost at the airport yesterday. He was supposed to be picking up a high school friend who came in to visit for a few days. Three hours after his flight came in, and after he had taken a shuttle to his hotel, he phoned my grandmother to let her know that grandpa had finally shown up at the hotel.

Older people really shouldn't be allowed such unrestricted access to driving privileges, but that's another topic for another day.

My grandfather is 80 years old, 81 in May. He takes his dog for a walk every morning, he's thin as a rail, and has the temper of a paint can set ablaze. But the thing I find most remarkable about him is that he has friends from high school.

I don't even have friends from high school anymore, and I graduated 9 years ago. I can't even imagine keeping in touch with someone for 62 years. The stories they must have. Wow.

2-8

Yikes. Another busy week. Suns game Monday, Roadrunners Tuesday, visit from the sis Wednesday, cupcakes with mom on Thursday, and playing chauffeur today.

Relationships are complicated, sibling relationships are especially complicated. As kids, my sister and I fought constantly. We have very different personalities, and very different ideas about how the world works. I don't know why I thought that the dynamic of our relationship would change when we got older, it hasn't really. I had this idea in my head for the longest time that one day, as adults, we'd be able to put our differences aside and have a functional friendship. The older I get and the more I try, the more I realize that some people just aren't that compatible, regardless of family ties.

You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with the people related to you.

I love my sister, really. It sucks because I feel like we should be closer- like we should have a better bond- but it just isn't like that. Talking with her gives me a headache, and I don't call her very often for this reason. She tells me things she plans to do, and I try to give her advice (in a non-preachy way) on the things that i've been through. It's not that I want her to do things my way, or that I want to control her somehow. It's like wanting to give someone in shorts a jacket when it's cold outside, but they just refuse to take it because they would rather find out themselves how cold it is. It's frustrating to watch.

Some people just have to learn for themselves. I get that. But it just makes so much more sense to try to avoid the break rather than sit around and wait to pick up the pieces.

1-17

My mom and I had lunch today, with my niece in tow. Mom's been here babysitting niece for the last two weeks or so, and she's looking forward to going home and resuming her regularly scheduled life.

"It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with niece," mom has told me several times this week, "it's just that I... well, I want to go home."

She doesn't have to explain herself, I know what she means. She feels guilty for wanting to go home. She doesn't dare repeat her admission to my sister, because that would surely set off a barrage of snide comments implying that she does not love her granddaughter enough.

As if twelve hour days as a free babysitter for a high maintenance infant would inspire anyone to permanently leave their normal life behind.